Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Enigma of Time

They say time heal all wounds.

"They" say.

I'm not saying that I disbelieve this... at least not entirely.

The past few weeks have been a waking nightmare. When you are sick for any extended length of time, you tend to be brought down to some state of desperation. For me, it's a mixture of wanting to feel better, to feel capable of getting out of bed, and to feel progress again. No, it's not life threatening. It makes my days a struggle. It's hard to fight.

It's made me think about my time and my wounds. I wonder if they will ever go away. I wonder if they will constantly be sitting on my shoulders like a dead weight sent to whisper horrible, evil things into my ear.

My monitor blew out.
My laptop isn't recognizing my wifi.
My father had a pulmonary embolism.
A good friend of mine is really sick.
A person hell bent on causing me pain started harrassing me again.
My therapist decided to take the whole month of December off.
Then, there's the typical family holiday issues. I would be worried about mentioning it here, but they'll never read this. My siblings and parents aren't bothered to read my blog.

My family is dishonest. You know those families that get together and talk about the weather? That's my family. Do we have deep dark secrets that we never talk about? Sure. Most of it rotates around not wanting to talk about what happened to me. I've cried my tears about my family. I'm not sorry any more. I just don't like being forced to sit in a room and be mute. I can't stand the tension. I can't stand pretending that things aren't the way that they are. I hate the judgment.

I know fighting for life is important. It's an idea that's been burned into my head. But, sometimes I wonder. On any typical day, I'd fight through this pain. Migraines, back pain, cysts rupturing, nausea, and black out spells would never stand a chance against my drive to live. If I had to be stuck in bed because of my back, I'd be working on my laptop... but not these past two weeks.

I've had too much on my shoulders, and I've given up. In a way, I've let myself just lay down and let my soul die. Sometimes perky, happy, optimistic people break.

Happiness is a choice. It's an uphill battle for me. Once the ball is rolling, it's generally easier. With all the stuff that's happened to me, it's all come to a screeching stop.

I'm on a break.

It'll pass. In the meantime, I'm going to let myself feel this pain, to wallow in it, ... to experience it. I think that sometimes you need to feel the pain in order to grow. If anyone else is feeling miserable this winter, please, don't feel that you are alone. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it. I'm just tired of running to get to it. I'll get there when I get there.


  1. I don't know you but I feel I know your pain. I wouldn't be so presumptions to say understand what you go through, but feel from your words I have felt similar.
    You are right to say that you are not alone, and the romantic, alturistic part of me would be right there looking after you as only friends can do, if I were in your real world, but I am not.
    I cannot offer solutions but only the comforting thought, it is ok to be in limbo sometimes, in a liminal space between things waiting. Like a cat gone into hiding to lick its wounds. The tunnel will end. And it will transform some things. Look for them they might be good.
    As for family, comfort yourself with the knowledge that you do the right things when they do not. As the years have gone by I have distanced myself from my family but still done the right things.
    Anyway I hope you don't mind my modest comments of support. We are out here...if you need us...

  2. I know what it's like to be in so much pain and so down in the dumps that you can't even write. Sadly, what put me in that position was my pregnancy, something that should have been a happy event but became a constant battle that came near to breaking my marriage. You ever seen those lists with something like 60 pregnancy symptoms on them? I had 55. Bad. The worst 3 were back problems, pubis symphis dysfunction (basically my hips didn't work - I coudn't walk, sit, or lie without pain) and carpal tunnel - so my hands didn't work either! I had TIME to write but couldn't motivate myself to do it. I was at the editing stage, I had feedback from beta readers, and emotionally I was not in the right place to cope with criticism on my writing. It was a dark time. Fortunately I knew there definitely was an end in sight - it just seemed a long time coming. The experience seriously affected our decision to have another child. We decided yes (after much hard thinking) but we've invested an insane amount of money in a spa to help me in my second pregnancy. That may seem silly for something that last 9 months but I consider it an investment in my marriage.

    I hope the end of your tunnel is closer than mine seemed at times.

  3. I know the end is out there. I feel like I somewhat cheated you guys because I left some factors out. But, I already feel numb and raw enough. (I know numb and raw are contradictions, but I'm sure you know how it is possible.) Honestly, it's a blind acceptance of this... whatever "this" is. Thank you for sharing, for letting me know you guys are still out there.

    @Simontall, sometimes the not-in-real-life feels more real than the IRL stuff does. The most supportive person to me right now is a woman I have never met face to face.