Monday, December 19, 2011

Heaven is Hell and Hell is Heaven: Running Blind Edition

I'm a writer.

I am a writer.

I. Am. A. Writer.

No matter how I say it, sometimes it doesn't feel real. But, it is constantly reverberating and humming away inside of me. I am a writer. There it is. I can hear it now, like the gentle, yet powerful, whir of an engine. It's telling me I am right to write.

My intuition is the same way. You could call it clairvoyance but that sounds stupid to me (too many stigmas). I know everyone has felt eyes on their back or just knew things before. It's like that. It always tells me when something bad is about to happen. I'd be willing to bet most mothers have felt the feeling. It stops your breath in your chest.

They seem so very different, but I believe my intuition and my desire to write come from the same place. This same churning engine hums hymns of sanctity into my ear, that tells me when something is wrong, is also telling me when something is right.

It's extremely difficult to discern between the two, as uneasiness seem to accompany both. I think a lot of people give up trying. I have without even noticing it. I tend to listen to everyone around me instead of to that quiet song that is my inner engine. I give up trying to answer my own questions, and instead I go searching for the answers elsewhere. Then, I wonder where I went wrong, why I'm unhappy. It's like ignoring my best friend... of course I'm not going to be happy! I don't like being ignored, especially when the person that's ignoring me is myself.

Truth is, I'm not sure anyone really knows what their song sounds like any more... it's been too convoluted and twisted into sounding like a conglomeration of everyone else's utopia (read distopia). We're running blind. We can't even see that heaven is hell and hell is really heaven. Maybe if we stopped running and just stood still for a moment, we could hear it again. The song of the engine. Maybe if I just stood still for a while, I could hear it again... that quiet song that guides my steps.

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