Saturday, September 3, 2011

Insight Into Sight

The title should really read, "Insight Into My Sight." I keep finding myself trying to explain statements I make so that people don't find them offensive... well, really so that they understand where I'm coming from. Some people are going to be offended no matter what I do.

First there is a little back story that you need. Two summers ago, a best friend of mine died. Four years ago, my other best friend was killed. I tear up as I type that, probably because this will be the first time I've let myself consider my future without them. Unless you have lost someone close to you that is not a family member, you will probably not understand what this means.

There is lasting pain that will always follow me because these people were honestly the light in my life. A true and honest light. The first friend was killed out of anger; it was a bizarre accident. One punch to the face separated his neck from his spinal column. They say it was because my friend was gay, I don't care why the attacker did it, he's gone just the same. One second I had a best friend, the other he was gone. The other friend died, from what I assume was obesity, possibly suicide. They were very different people, but they were so great to me.

I haven't really talked or really mentioned what they meant to me... I have felt that no one deserves to know me like they did.

4-years-ago-friend took me in to his house when my mother (she was a bit nuts) kicked me out. He showed up with a truck and forcibly moved me in with him. He literally just showed up. He, and his family, silently (they did sneer at my mother, they just didn't say anything) took my things from the breezeway of my mother's apartment complex. He saved me. He'd save a lot of others, too. When I lived with him, he healed me from some pretty deep wounds my mother had left in me. He convinced me I wasn't evil.

2-years-ago-friend also died unexpectedly. He and I had met when I lived up north for a time. For some reason, he found it completely baffling that I would even give him the time of day. He was obese, morbidly obese. I don't say that to be cruel. It never made me think any less of him. He and I shared so many commonalities. And he adored me, but not in the way most men adore me (with their eyes), he sincerely adored me. He had a tendency to shower me with gifts. He bought me my LOTR extended edition set that I have. He also introduced me to the world of anime (which I had previously ridiculed). He was so good to me, and all I ever did was just talk to him.

This has thus far been a very tearful blog to write.  But please, stick with me, there is a point.

One friend saved me. He was light in every sense possible. He smiled constantly, when I was down and bitter he lifted me up. When I was homeless he took me in. He literally gave me the shirt off his back. When he was in the ICU, the nurses said they'd never EVER seen that many people show up to see someone.

The other friend gave to me when I didn't deserve it. And this guy, man, he was talented. Wanna talk about wasted talent? How about this?
That's freehand ink pen folks... he was that good. 

The point:
Both of these men are gone. A part of me says that they took their light with them. But, that's not really true. Because I think that in being a part of my life, they left some their light with me. They were both pretty depressed. Each of them were targeted for being gay or being obese, but they still had it in them to bring their light to a very, very lost girl.

And now that they are gone, I find myself seeing their troubles and depression in other people. And something happens, at first I get sad because my friends are gone. But something else happens, I find myself becoming someone else's light. I find myself reaching out for no good reason other than the fact that I'm sharing what my friends left behind in me.

I don't believe in violence or hating or excluding. I believe in kindness and sharing. Call me a hippie, call me whatever you want. Call me naive or a hopeless dreamer.

Life really is short. I know. One died at 20, the other in his early 30's. But in those years, they brought me so much happiness. I will die fighting for others happiness. I will give when I have nothing to give. I will put my nose where it doesn't belong. I will find the beauty in the simplest things. I will accept people for who they are, who they really are. I will do everything in my power to help someone accomplish their dreams.

I will continue my friends' legacies. You cannot stop me. 


  1. Utterly beautiful, I had to read it twice to absorb, can so relate x

  2. This must have been very hard for you to write, I chocked and the punch comment. I am with you and understand how you feel and everyone you lost would take a toll on you.

    Thank you for letting us read your personal thoughts.

  3. Seriously tearing up. I love you.

  4. Thank you all for the support. :)