Friday, February 7, 2014

Accepting You Can Belong In Two Camps - A Writer's Article

"I've been suspended in a pool, adrift between two islands. To the east is indecision and derision. To the west is where the sun sets and where its rays set fire to my success." 

As a blogger, a woman, a mother, a survivor, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and writer, I see things from many different angles. Over the last few days, I've been reading my old blog entries, and I can't help but wonder, "who is this?" There's been entries written from either "island," either praising hopefulness or exposing defeat. I contemplated where my place was as a writer. How could I possibly be both hopeful and defeated at the same time? That's just not possible. No one is like that... .

I am wrong... er... was wrong.

I was wrong because there is someone who both miraculously believes in their own work while living in a realist's reality. This person is me. You could call me a pragmatic idealist.

This realization hit me about an hour ago while I was simultaneously wondering why I bother staying up so late to read books on improving my craft while knowing I was doing it to build my craft. It's like asking someone why they would look for a needle in a haystack. To one person, the person observing, they'd think the person searching was crazy. To the person searching, it seems quite obvious... they need a needle.

So, no more battling the two sides. No more picking who is right, no more figuring out who wins. I used to think that I had to either believe in myself or not. That there was only one right. I think it may be the Christian upbringing in me telling me (more like shouting, as my upbringing usually does) there is no grey, no in-between. Which, as a grown adult, I know not to be true. There's tons of gray. Whole countries are built on in-betweens, and in-between is how we managed to survive through childhood to adulthood. All these in-betweens are as awkward as they are real. Which means that there is no reason for me to think that the place in between the raging fire of success and my own doubts of publication is going to be any less awkward. But, I think if I can learn to deal with this in-between as I have all the others, which is with unequivocal acceptance, I can finally move forward.

Anyone else in between two camps? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get where you're coming from! A friend of mine claims I have a "dualistic" way of thinking. It's either black or white, yes or no. There's no in between! But you're absolutely right -- the world is made up of all kinds of grays. I think you're on the right track. If we can learn to embrace the gray instead of struggling with it, we could do wonderful things and beat ourselves up less. I'm all for that. Thanks for the blog!