Saturday, September 8, 2012

The World on Pause

We all know I'm ridiculously honest sometimes. What I may not always mention is how emotionally unstable I can be.

I look at it as a kind of glitch in the system. Somebody broke into the warehouse of my wiring and put more power to one circuitry.... in essence highlighting something that doesn't need highlighting. Some things that never got the attention they deserved (when they needed it) become clear and in focus. This is hard because it's like walking into a room and the lights are out. Then, when someone flips the switch, you realize you're in a crime scene. All you can do is look around in horror... everything is laid in front of you and you wonder how it ever escaped your notice.

Then, I can feel it. It's like I'm falling into myself... somehow operating my body from the inside, watching the world from a distance. People talk to me, and I hear them... and I reply. It's in the program. But, somewhere there's still a glitch. A glitch where I should be smiling, I'm not showing anything. Just numb on the outside. It's the inside that needs fixing.

To return to the crime scene metaphor, I've basically sat myself down in that room, staring at the horrible things before me, trying to make sense of why they happened. I can hear the voices telling me that it wasn't my fault. I can hear people telling me to put it out of my mind. But, have you ever accidentally come across a horrifying or scary picture on the internet then tried to forget it? Imagine if you were there when that picture was taken... would you be able to forget it then?


I like to think of myself as a strong person. But, how can I? I can't predict these turns in the tide. I am a strong person. Though, sometimes, I have to put the world on pause.

If you need me, send me an email, otherwise, I'm evaluating a crime scene.


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