How To Write a Bad Review

It just so happens that reviews are a very touchy subject lately. Duh, there are indie vs. reviewer wars, author's giving fake good reviews to friends, and glib smack talk akin to what you'd find in high school. Then, there's also that 5 star system that just makes me want to gag.

It's about time I address what I feel needs to be in a review that is written by a regular book reviewer or a writer. For those part time readers who just do the, "Hey, this was good," you can probably ignore this post.

I've seen some very long winded reviews and some very short reviews. Abe Lincoln said it best, and I agree... you cannot please all of the people all of the time. But, here's some tips worth noting.

1. Define your Taste Profile

• I prefer happy endings, so I don't like martyr scenarios. I just don't. That's my preference. I'm likely to knock off a star for that. 
• How about the pace? I can read a slow book. For example, Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus. The book was pretty slow. It was too slow for one of my favorite reviewers, Kara Malinczak. She couldn't even finish it! I, however, loved the book. I felt it was something to be savored.

Most reviewers feel their audience knows what they like, but I still think it's important to point out that something might not have been suited for your tastes. I will always point out if a book lost a star due to my personal preference and not because of the author's skill level.



2. Don't Be Rude

Francois Rude (He's seriously Mr. Rude)

• You can absolutely be snarky without being disrespectful. There are certain adjectives that reviewers should not use. You know what they are. I don't need to list them. Try to stay away from negative hyperboles, metaphors, and analogies.

3. Find Some Nice to Say

•  I can already hear the naysayers on this tip. But, I stand firmly behind it. Sometimes the only nice thing you can say is that it did not suit your taste.  I once read a book that had obviously not been edited. I was only out $0.99 so I wasn't too bummed. In the review, I stated the fact that it had obviously not been edited (and seriously it hadn't and it was obvious). Then, I went on to give the book compliments. The story itself was really cool, and I ended up giving it 3 stars just because of the plotline and dialogue. The grammar and some of the pacing should have made it 1 star.

4. Stick to the facts

• You'd think this was a no brainer. If you want to write a good review, stick to the facts. There are things that different reviewers look for. Plotline, character development, pacing, and general quality of writing. Some people are just in it for the romance or how romantic a certain character is. That's fine. Stick to that.

5. Try and Be Polite... for the Author

• Okay, while I realize this is not the job of any reviewer, I think it should still be said. If you have never written something for the public before, you have no idea how devastating it can be to get a bad review. While authors are taught to try and take it in stride (some have obviously missed this lesson), this is still their creation you are talking about. Be respectful of the time and effort they have put into it. If you are an author who thinks that other authors should develop the thick skin you have, get off your high horse. Some people are more sensitive. I'm not expecting coddling here, just some level of respect.

See the "Polite Literature" part? Ha, it does exist.

With all this being said, no one is perfect. And lately, I've been a pretty bad offender myself... especially when it comes to my rants about the poor prose of Fifty Shades of Grey.

So, after reading this blog and Indie Authors: Your Sales Are Your Fault, you probably think I'm taking the reviewers' side. I'm not. I'm a writer and an editor. I'm taking the writers' side. I expect good quality to come from writers... after all, in a way, we all represent each other.