Today is my birthday. Meaning, a couple decades ago, give or take... my parents were in a hospital waiting for me to make my great debut. Birthdays make me sad. It's always a combination of things, some cliche and some not.
I'm not really that upset that I'm getting older as much as I am that everyone around me is also getting older. My parents are also getting older. I'm at the age my parents were when they were bringing me home from the hospital. My mom was my age once. My parents were in love then.
In six more days, my best friend... who died in '07 would have also been celebrating a birthday.
I saw my dad (and consequently my stepmom, little brother, and little sister) yesterday. They were passing through town. I saw them for a few hours in total. And I miss my dad. We were in World Market, looking at stuff... He made little comments about candy or food that he hadn't had since he was stationed in Germany. And I wanted to know more. I never have really had the chance. Too bad my parents divorced when I was young. Too bad he's always lived so far away. Summers are not enough time to spend with a person.
I guess the visit just happened to fall right before my birthday. I always get sad when I leave my dad.
I also had a great big bomb dropped on me. My dad and stepmom apparently think I'm still a wild child. (Well, at this point, it would be just be considered irresponsible, seeing as I am nowhere close to being a child.) This saddens me. I haven't "partied" for nearly 7 years now. No exaggeration.
I am like every other person out there... in pursuit of my dreams. I've been in the same loving, committed relationship for over 6 years, I cook dinner every night, and pay my bills on time. But, they see me as that kid who never grew up.
I think birthdays are a time when life replays for me. It's probably one of the only days in the year when I take a breath.
I take that one breath, and it seems like the whole year is washing over me. All the terrors and good moments cascade through me. I don't feel responsible to do anything or to get anything accomplished. I reflect. And I wish those that are near me wouldn't expect me to smile and act like everyone else does on their birthday (I'm not referencing you, C-). I wish it was just another day. Just one day where I can be.
I'm not venting. I'm not angry. I'm not even depressed.
I'm just that way you are when you get some inevitable news. You knew it was coming... but you had to wait to hear it.
Also, on your birthday, people treat you better and are nicer. But why aren't people kind year round?
Oh well.
This is all a result of being a writer and having a Beatles mindset: "All You Need is Love".
Stay tuned. There's tons of good wisdom to be extracted from this single blog. Did you catch any of it?
